With a Twisted Mind
by PrincessEilonwy
Summary: Meet Satyr and Dementia, the Incarnations of Humor and Insanity. Will the major Incarnations be able to deal with the fearsome duo?
1. Introduction

Disclaimer: The original characters of the Incarnations of Immortality belong to Piers Anthony.  Goodness knows I don't claim to own Insanity and Humor—they own me.

A/N: Hi!  I thought I might as well write a story for this category, because I really like the series and I can't believe there are only three stories.  Let me rephrase the "I really like the series" part.  That much is true, but what I'm not saying is that I think Mym needs to lighten up about feminism, concubines, and the like and that Parry is just a tad bit spineless.  But aside from that, it's good.  Always, of course, excluding _And Eternity_, which I really didn't like much.  Now, really...are there _any_ teenage girls in this series that don't want to get pregnant?  But I won't go into great detail about my feelings on that—this author's note would get considerably longer.  Suffice it to say that I thought this section needed some humor and it's lucky for you that I'm here to provide it!...Right...

With a Twisted Mind

Birds trilled softly outside Orb Kaftan's window, heralding the dawn—or as close as could be expected in Purgatory.  When the Incarnation of Nature didn't respond, they trilled a little more loudly and insistently.  Thirty seconds later, the cute, fluffy little sparrows lost patience and flew inside the bedroom, where they began to peck at the back of Orb's neck with their cute, sharp little beaks.

Ah, the joys of a natural alarm clock.

Orb groaned softly and tried to brush the birds off her, but they were having none of it.  If she didn't know better, she would have thought they were enjoying this immensely.  "All right, all right," she yawned.  "I'm up!"  This was a lie, of course, but things like that usually worked if you were a good liar.

It didn't work.  The birds pecked harder than ever, ignoring her futile attempts at escape.  She sighed resignedly.  It must be important if they were continuing to plague her like this—surely the infernal things would have given up by now on any ordinary day!

"What is it?" she demanded irritably, beating at the sparrows with a pillow.  "It's too early for this."  She didn't add that it would continue to be too early for at least another seven hours or so, very possibly the rest of the day.  Instead, she groaned again, wondering why things like this always happened to her, and dragged herself out of bed.  Technically, of course, she didn't need sleep, but she certainly enjoyed those few hours of respite from the trials that plagued her constantly.  Such as psychotic birds...

"Chirp!" offered the largest bird, fixing her with a bright, beady gaze.  

Orb glared right back at it.  "That's not very helpful," she complained petulantly.  "Now look here, when I ask a question, I want a direct answer.  Is that clear?"

"Cheep."

There was a small silence while the sparrows looked at Orb and Orb looked at the sparrows.  Then, very slowly and with the dignity befitting Mother Nature, Orb drew herself up out of bed.

"That is _it,"_ she seethed, her eyes flashing dangerously.  "I have had more than enough of this disrespectful behavior and I will thank you to hold your tongues in the future."  The smallest bird made a strangled little peep that might have been a giggle.  "Fine.  Hold your _beaks,_" Orb snapped, knowing she had lost this battle.  But the war had barely started...

As she advanced menacingly, pillow in hand, the birds flew for the window.  Orb stood and watched them go, already plotting her next move.  Would poisoned birdseed be best?  Oh yes, she would have her revenge for this!

Deep in her thoughts and humming "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park" under her breath, Orb was quite considerably taken aback when the door to her room opened.  Standing in the doorway were two complete strangers.

"Um...are you...uh...is this..." said one, a nervous-looking teenage boy with messy red hair.  He looked helplessly at his companion, a somewhat stout middle-aged woman.

"We were told to report to the Incarnation of Nature," the woman explained.  "About—"

This was really more than Orb could take so early in the day.  "Who are you clowns?" she asked furiously, ignoring the fact that her voice had a distinctly frantic quality to it.  "What are you doing here?"

The boy winced.  "Funny you should ask," he said.  "This morning I was getting on my carpet to go to school when a rubber chicken came out of nowhere and thwacked me on the head."

"And I," said the woman, "heard several voices arguing in my head."  She looked rather disapprovingly at Orb, who was still in her bathrobe.  "This is all highly irregular."

Irregular, Orb thought, wasn't quite the word to describe it.  First the attack of the sparrows, and now these characters showed up at her door.  Still, one must do what one must do...

"Right," she sighed, squaring her shoulders and preparing herself for an ordeal.  "You must be the new Incarnations of Humor and Insanity."

A/N: Right.  If you found this chapter less than it should have been, rest assured it will probably get better.  All my stories start out rather slowly and pick up later on.  Let me just warn you that if you have no sense of humor about these characters, this is not the story for you.  The fact that I am introducing these particular Incarnations should give you a clue...Hopefully I'll be able to update soon, maybe even start another story in this category.  Please review and don't hesitate to tell me (nicely) if I'm contradicting anything in the books.


	2. Registration

Disclaimer: I own Nell, the receptionist, and the man in the registration room.  Ben owns himself.  Piers Anthony owns everyone and everything else.

A/N: Another installation in "Insulting Mr. Anthony"!  When I mentioned him to my mom, she sort of looked disgusted and said she'd read something of his once and thought he was "dismal."  Exact quote.  I think she probably read one of those books where he seems to be obsessed with teenage pregnancy.  By the way, the thing about Ben—he's actually one of my friends.  Ben, if you ever get around to reading this, I named an Incarnation after you!  And Humor, too...how appropriate.

Lady Lye: Thanks!  Yes, I thought he was a bit stuffy at times.  I love his Author's Notes, how he tells the reader about all his critics who say he's arrogant and then says that of course it's nonsense, they're just jealous because he's better than them.

purrcussion: Yes, I enjoyed the natural alarm clock too.  I hope it's picked up a little bit—I particularly enjoyed the last half of this chapter.

Registration

There was a short pause after Orb's remark.  Orb felt rather uncomfortable and shifted her weight from foot to foot, wondering whether she ought to offer the newcomers milk and cookies to make them feel more at home.  It certainly wasn't easy the first time one was plunged into the world of the Incarnations!

The boy and the woman looked at each other.  "Well...yeah," the boy said slowly.  "Someone did mention something about Incarnations when they sent us here.  But, you know, it's really all kind of vague..."  He shrugged, obviously nervous and ill at ease.

Orb nodded.  "Yes, well, it's all rather complicated.  I'd better introduce myself."  She drew herself up to her full height.  "I am Gaia, the Incarnation of Nature."  After this rather grand announcement, she felt rather let down when no trumpet fanfares seemed forthcoming.  "And you are now part of my staff," she added with a weak smile.

"Mmm," said the middle-aged woman.  She was no beauty, with long brown hair flying loose behind her and a rather large nose.  It was rather a change from the rest of the female Incarnations Orb knew, who were all stunningly beautiful.  Of course, the fact that almost all of them were related to her explained that...

"Yes?" Orb demanded sharply.  "What are you 'mmm'-ing about?  I am the Incarnation of Nature and you are lesser Incarnations.  I am in charge and you are not.  And I would like you to leave my room.  _Now."_

The woman opened her mouth as if about to argue, but the boy caught her eye and shook his head violently.  Now there was a boy with some sense, Orb thought.  He had already learned the valuable life lesson of When to Shut Up.

"Thank you," Orb said firmly, sweeping the pair out the door and slamming it behind them.  She leaned against the door and breathed deeply for a few minutes.  "Calm...just be calm...that's right...you can handle this."

Yeah, right.

In her years as an Incarnation, Orb had never had to deal with new Incarnations of Insanity and Humor.  In fact, she had never paid them much attention at all, hoping that if she ignored the more unpleasant aspects of her job they would simply go away.  However, it was impossible to ignore this development!

She could try, though.  Moving all the furniture at hand in front of the door to prevent further interruptions, Orb sighed in relief and went to get dressed.

*****

Once the door had closed behind them, the two new Incarnations turned to look at each other.  After a few seconds of rather shell-shocked silence, they both burst into laughter.  Somewhat hysterical laughter, but laughter nonetheless.

"Did you see—the look—on her—face?" gasped the woman between gales of laughter.  "Looked like she—swallowed a live—frog!"  She shook her head, almost bent double in an effort to catch her breath.  Then she looked at her companion again.  "You know," she said, "I don't think we ever had time to introduce ourselves."  She held out her hand.  "I'm Nellie Jameson, but you can call me Nell."

"I'm Ben," said the boy, shaking her hand a little awkwardly.  "I...uh...that is...do you really have any clue what's going on around here?"

Nell shrugged.  "Nope," she confessed.  "Like I said, I just started hearing voices in my head.  Wondered if I was going crazy."  Shaking her head, she added, "I'm still wondering."

There was a beat of silence, and Ben said, "Did you remember her saying something about humor and insanity?"

"Actually, I think it was Humor and Insanity," Nell mused.  "If she's the Incarnation of Nature or whatever, maybe we _are_ Humor and Insanity..."  She trailed off and looked up at Ben, a wicked grin spreading across her face.  "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

Ben grinned back.  "You know, I think I could get to like this job," he said happily.  "Do we have an office or anything?"

"Let's find out," Nell said.

*****

Purgatory was, Nell decided, quite different from what she had always thought of.  In fact, it looked exactly like any number of identical corporations she had worked for over the years—a lobby with couches and chairs upholstered in the same cheerful, slightly gaudy fabric she had seen so many times before.

Ben nudged her, pointing at the reception desk, which again looked frighteningly normal.  "Think we ought to check in there or something?"  Nell shrugged agreement and headed across the room toward the desk.

"Er, hello?  We're not quite sure—I mean, Gaia said—we're—"  The receptionist looked up, raised her eyebrows slightly, and cracked her gum.

"Yes, what is it?" she asked, obviously making an effort not to roll her eyes.  Nell thought she had never seen anyone so bored in her life.  She started to explain their situation and ask what should be done.

The phone rang.  "Purgatory reception desk, may I help you?" the receptionist inquired with something that could have been a small sigh.  She grimaced at Nell, who found herself smiling in sympathy.  "No, I'm sorry, we're not buying.  –Listen, I told you last time and I'll tell you again.  We.  Don't.  Buy.  What do you think this is?  This is Purgatory, sweetie.  There's a sign on the gates that says NO SOLICITORS.  And that includes telemarketers...No, actually the ABANDON HOPE sign is in Hell, but you could try there.  I'm told telemarketers are now part of the package...Yes, that _was_ an insult.  You have a nice day now."  Click.

"All right now."  Seemingly in better humor after the call, the receptionist beamed up at Nell.  "What was it you wanted?"

"Uh, we're new Incarnations and—"  Nell was winding up for a long explanation, but the receptionist cut her off.

"Right through that door.  You have a good eternity now."  The phone rang again.

Nell made her way back across the lobby to join Ben, who was sprawled in one of the chairs.  "Right through that door," she told him, pointing at the inconspicuous little door off to the right.  Ben got to his feet reluctantly and followed her over to the door.  As they entered a long corridor, Nell could just hear the receptionist behind her saying, "Purgatory reception desk, may I help you?"

The corridor led off into several rooms, but one door had a sign that said NEW MINOR INCARNATIONS REPORT HERE.  "Aha," said Ben, opening it and marching bravely into the room with Nell a step behind.

"Sign in, grab a name tag, and get out of here," said a weary-looking man behind a table strewn with various sheets of paper.  "I don't have all day, you know."  When the man turned away to pick up a fallen paper, Ben stuck out his tongue at him.  Nell agreed with the sentiment.

She quickly found the sign-in sheet and filled out the various blanks with "Insanity", "November 12", and "7:57 AM".  Then she picked up a questionnaire that, from what she could see on the first page, contained some highly personal questions.  Handing Ben the pencil to sign in, she started to turn away from the table.

"Wait!" the man ordered.  "Don't forget the name tag.  All new minor Incarnations wear them."

Nell was surprised.  "Do we need them?  Don't the Incarnations have distinctive costumes?  I mean, like a skull and scythe for Death or something?"

The man snorted.  "For you guys?"  He snatched the sheet out of Ben's hands and read their entries.  "You're minor Incarnations in Gaia's department.  I mean, you guys are the very bottom of the food chain.  You get funny hats.  Maybe a keychain."

"Oh."  Slightly disappointed, Nell took one of the paper name tags and a marker.  She began to write "Nell Jameson" in her best handwriting, but the man stopped her again.

"No, no, no!" he yelled.  "Don't you clowns know anything?  The name of the _office,_ you doofus!"  Nell grinned and shrugged in apology and started to write "Insanity" on a fresh name tag.

She realized that the man was now beating his head on the edge of the table.  When he could see straight, he took the marker out of her hands and took a third name tag.  "Like _this,"_ he growled through clenched teeth, writing something in an angry scrawl.  He did likewise for Ben, apparently unwilling to go through the same painful mistakes.

Ben took his name tag, frowning as he read it aloud.  " 'Hello, my name is...SATYR,'" he read.  "Who's Satyr?"

The man closed his eyes for a long moment before answering Ben's question.  "The...name...of...the...office," he said at last, very slowly.  His nostrils flared with every word.

"Oh, I get it!" Ben said happily.  "Like Gaia is the Incarnation of Nature?"  The man didn't reply, so Nell turned her attention to her own name tag.  She had trouble reading the handwriting, but she eventually figured out that it read, "Hello, my name is...DEMENTIA".  Hmm...Dementia.  Nice name.  It was unusual, but it definitely had style.

Apparently, Ben had decided to try one more question, perhaps risking his life in the process.  "Uh, sir...about this."  He reached into his pocket and pulled out the aforementioned rubber chicken.  "I—"

"Symbol of the office," the man told him grumpily.  "Now, if that's _all,_ if you're _quite_ finished, I would like you to leave.  Now."

And leave they did.  Nell made sure to bang the door shut on the way out, hoping it would improve the man's mood.  "Well," she said, "I guess we're officially registered Incarnations.  What next?"

"I don't know," Ben said slowly.  "He did mention funny hats..."

Nell smiled.  "I wonder where we go to get them.  We ought to ask someone, I guess."  It had been forever since she'd had a good funny hat, and she was rather looking forward to wearing one again.  Somehow, this job already felt just right for her.

"Hmmmm..." Ben mused aloud.  "Think we should ask him?"  He nodded toward the door they had just left through.

Nell thought about it.  She thought about the man, stuck with the mind-numbing chore of signing in new Incarnations.  She thought about the trouble they had already put him to.  She thought about his murderous rage and how dangerous it was to provoke it.

She smiled.

"Let's," she said.

A/N: Well, I think that was a little better than the first chapter.  Longer, at least.  And I got more into it at the end...could you tell?  The thing is that I don't feel as secure writing in this universe yet.  With Foundation or Lord of the Rings I could write with one hand tied behind my back (so to speak) and be sure of not contradicting anything in the books.  But I actually listened to half of these books on audiotape, so I have to go back and reread them to make sure I know everything.  And remember, I'm just warming up on fanfiction for this series, so if I contradict the books make sure to tell me.  Hopefully the third chapter will be up soon—that's when the fun will really begin.  Oh, I have such ideas...


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